Orders from the General

The general's orders to wash in snow are followed obediently, even when this brave soldier's left nipple is lost to frostbite and he's forced to hold it on with his hand.

An Asian family is a field army. The general has one goal and one goal only: to lead his army to victory. To do this, his army must win many medals and crush every other army in their path. He demands total and utter respect and obedience.

Preparing to go away on holiday with an Asian family is like a strategic military strike. This summer my family went away, something we are lucky to do most summers. But, as much as I love going on holiday there is a certain amount of dread that fills me at the thought of the preparation.  The general (variably a temporarily paranoid father or a caffeine-fuelled-packing-crazed mother) will issue orders, orders that must be followed on pain of death (read: blame for anything that goes wrong whilst on holiday).

The first lieutenant (first born child) will receive these orders and groan. Depending on the age of the first lieutenant this groan will either be internal (below the age of ten when the fear of the general overcomes the frustration) or external, though not often loudly enough to be heard by the general. Unless of course the first lieutenant is over the age of 20, at which point the groan is more a flurry of curses. However, being a hierarchy, if the first lieutenant is lucky enough to have a cadet, the obvious thing to do is to delegate. And so the groaning chain continues.

Like the army, success at a task such as taking out an enemy bunker or making sure all the windows are closed is rewarded with promotion. But promotion is not as bright and shiny as a new badge. It’s basically a way of tricking you into more responsibility. So much so that at the age of 15 you find yourself booking the rental car for the whole family for the first time. And when it turns out that you’ve booked a car that needs to be picked up from an airport two states away from where you’re landing, the retribution of the general is a force to be reckoned with.  Particularly when the aforementioned paranoid general is shouting every other minute about THE MISSING PASSPORT or about how NEVERMIND I’VE FOUND IT. You quickly learn: don’t give the general something to shout about, and once a first lieutenant, use a pre-emptive strike where possible to prevent further yelling (THE PASSPORT IS IN YOUR HAND).

In an army the newest recruit always has it hardest. The tasks that once stopped at the rank above them slowly trickle down once the recruit is able to walk, talk and boil a kettle unattended. I still remember the first time it was not I who had to make tea. It was a glorious day. My brother, on the other hand remembers that day as the dark day he should have pretended to scald himself with boiling water.

The success of the Asian Equation depends upon this hierarchical obedience. Good Asian children do as they’re told without question and they understand their place. This leads to more piano practice, more maths equations, more tea for the general and less dirty laundry. Which ultimately leads to good grades, respect for/fear of authority and a respectable profession.

The hierarchy is so well drilled in though, that even when Asian children try to rebel by painting their nails black, listening to music that involves straining guitars and men who wear eyeliner and wear only clothes that pertain to the ‘Goth’ or ‘rock’ persuasion, they STILL get straight As. And they still don’t sneak out to go to rock concerts. And they still become doctors. This is not a boast so much as it is an inescapable fear of retribution from the general that slowly becomes a way of life.

As our own Chairmistress Mao (a.k.a. dear mother) says: “You have nothing to fear…IF you have done nothing wrong”.