One Child Policy? Yes of course, I have one for each month of the year. |
Cristina Yang, much as I love her, is not fulfilling much of
the Asian Equation. Yes, she is a surgeon, yes she is the best, yes she has a
characteristically hit-with-a-frying-pan flat face with epicanthic folds, BUT,
she is lacking in a crucial area: the true Asian family life. For starters
she’s married to someone who has red hair. More importantly though, she doesn’t
want babies. Not even one.
Babies. Babies and family are a key part of the Asian
Equation, a key outcome. Instil a mafia-like loyalty to La Familia in your
children and they too should form a faction of their own. Babies are so much a
key part of the Asian Equation that China had to limit how many of them you
could have because all the Chinese people were having children like cats and
dogs. Asia composes 60% of the world’s population and India and China’s
populations alone compose 37% of the world’s total number of people. That’s two
countries making up 2.58
billion people.
To have babies, honourably, you need a marriage. A good man (read:
rich) from a good family with good genes (Asian) and a good job and a house
preferably. Not too much to ask. All parents, after a point, will start to ask
‘when are you going to get married?’- for Fotoula Portokalos from My Big Fat
Greek Wedding (hilarious film, with many Asian Equation elements, not to be
confused with the terrible and frankly disturbing My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding),
that age was 30. But, much like the age of career choice, the age of badgering
about marriage begins prematurely in the Asian household.
The second generation of immigrant Asians (ie my brother and
I) present a new problem with regards to the Asian family ideal not previously
faced by parents wanting their children successfully married off. The problem
of choice. In the native country, there are Asian boys and Asian girls to pick
from. In London it’s a little different, a veritable smorgasbord of people to
chose from. So the questions of ‘when are you getting married’ are modified to
‘when are you going to find a nice Chinese girl/boy?’. I have been said to
resemble Dr. Cristina Yang from Grey’s Anatomy in personality (somewhere my
brother is yelling YOU ARE CRISTINA YANG) and my choice in boyfriend has
prompted my cousin to exclaim ‘how are you going to get that one past your
parents? He doesn’t even have dark hair!’. However, as previously mentioned in
this blog, I am a stubborn woman, and having seen the fair locks of my boyfriend,
my parents gave up trying to push Chinese men on me pretty quickly. Having said
that, it is always fun to say the words ‘I met this Chinese boy today…’ and see
The Don’s face light up before following it with ‘he was really weird’.
My poor brother, having not yet fixed his sights on a pretty
young thing, is therefore holding The Godfather’s last vestiges of hope for a
thoroughbred family in his hands. It is with bated breath that La Familia
awaits his decision.
And La Familia is not just my mum and dad. It’s the whole
family. To some other cultures having the ‘whole family’ around for dinner
might be a fairly non-significant affair. In Asian cultures, having the whole
family around would involve some kind of warehouse. I have 9 first cousins (a
small number by Asian standards); my blue-eyed boyfriend? Just 2. Second
cousins and we’re looking at a figure somewhere in the 20s. A recent dinner
involved half a restaurant, a frazzled Hong Kong owner who lost more hair with
each passing minute, and more aunties than there are stars. And that was just
my mum’s side.
But there are benefits to being in La Familia. Advice( since
they are of course mostly professionals; from what to do with your finances to
which painkillers to take), Protection and Endless Food.
So next time you’re thinking of breaking the heart of an
Asian, just remember, if you mess with the pretty Asian girl you mess with the
WHOLE family.